Life, Autism, Disability, and More

Tag Archives: expectations

help wantedI really hate to post what I consider downer blogs, but sometimes that’s where I am.

A quick history: a little over a year ago, I quit my job to focus on writing and going to school. I had been teaching college English online, but I was discovering that my work weeks were lasting an easy 50 to 60 hours, and it was just too much.

The problem with that lack of job thing is that we’re now living on a single income, which can really be hard and can really suck sometimes. Every once in a while, I decide that I should go back out and get a job. But there’s only one problem: I really can’t.

All this really came to a head for me because a friend with three school-age children decided to apply for a job on a whim. She’d been looking for teaching work, but she found something else that sounded interesting. She got the job. She starts Monday.

Meanwhile, I can’t get a whim and decide to start a job. Because while Simon has school and even ESY (extended school year for those not in the know), he still has vacations and days off and half days and sick days. A regular job doesn’t work.

We can’t put Simon in any sort of daycare – he’s too old at 13. And he doesn’t deal well with sitters or anyone else taking care of him at the house. At this point, the only times we can go out are when he’s in school or when he’s asleep. And when he’s asleep, our babysitter has the easier job in the world because, well, he’s asleep.

We could probably find someone who could handle him and take care of him properly, but to do that, we’d probably be paying out at least as much as I could make at a job. When you factor in taxes and transportation, we may even lose money on the deal.

Honestly, sometimes I’m just not sure when – or if – I’ll ever be able to hold a “normal” job.

Which brings me back to the question of normal. Perhaps I should say typical?

Either way, it can make me feel frustrated and trapped, and jealous of people who don’t have the same restrictions. And then I feel guilty for feeling frustrated and trapped and jealous.

Now, I don’t want this to be a total downer blog. It’s not like I spend all my time thinking about this, and it’s not like I’m super down in the dumps about it. But it’s something that I think that parents of neurotypical children don’t have to think about it. They have their own worries, I admit, but different ones.

So what’s the whole point of this blog? I guess it probably comes back to my usual point: don’t judge. I need to stop judging myself for not being able to get a typical job. I need to stop judging other people who are able to get a typical job. I need to stop worrying about the future, stop judging the current and just go with the flow.